I Could Have Been There

The day of my first miscarriage, there was a shooting at our local Panera. We had considered stopping by that Panera on our way home from the ER but didn't, and exactly 24 hours before the shooting I ran into that Panera just to use the bathroom in between visiting church members. I could have been there.

I was there afterwards. The local police department asked clergy to come and sit with survivors as a therapist spoke to them about trauma and what was normal and when they should worry. I listened to the survivors tell their stories. One I think about often: she worked with young people and often took them on trips as part of her job. Parents were always nervous about their kids traveling. What if something happened? Now she responds, "What if something happens here at home?" And she tells them she was in the Panera during the shooting.

So when I heard there was yet another shooting in Boulder, Colorado, I went in search of information. There was not any information when I first looked, but there was an article interviewing survivors, and these paragraphs are again making me think of my own eerie sense of almost being there at another shooting another day.

"Bentz said he ended up jumping off the back loading dock to escape. He said younger people in the store were taking care of older people, helping them off the dock.

“'It seemed like all of us had imagined we’d be in a situation like this at some point in our lives,' he said."

Have you imagined you'd be in a situation like this too?

Now, my therapist once asked me if worrying about miscarrying the second time actually made the miscarriage easier-- if all that worrying prepared me for The Worst Thing, steeled my heart against the loss. It did not. I do not think imagining being a victim of gun violence can prepare us for the actual trauma of the event. But when I read those words and thought about my own experience, I knew I was not the only one worrying when I or someone I love will be the victim of gun violence.

But as we imagine what would happen if we were in this situation, let us also imagine how NOT to be victims of gun violence. There are some things we cannot control. My grief journey with infertility has absolutely shown me how little I can control even with the best doctors and a ton of meds and too much money. The woman I met who had survived a shooting and named that violence can happen anywhere reminds me that we are not safe even at home. And. And we don't have to live like this. We don't have to twiddle our thumbs waiting for the next mass shooting to be in our school or church or grocery store or spa. We can fight for common sense gun legislation. Some communities have organized their own buybacks of assault weapons because our government has been so willfully incompetent.

What little I know about healing is that it is not something that happens when we are alone. Grief and trauma are isolating experiences, and finding just one support group can make all the difference. As can taking action- telling your story, reaching out to leaders in your community, pestering your elected officials. I'm getting to work and invite you to join me.